‘Everybody knows that drivers slow down to look at car crashes,’ said Transport Secretary Philip Hammond, ‘which is why we plan to replace every speed camera in Britain with an authentic reconstruction of a road traffic accident.’ Under the scheme the Department for Transport will commission out of work actors to perform full-scale productions of gruesome and bloody car crashes along all of Britain’s most dangerous roads.

A mere 7 months into the current decade, Channel 4 bosses have warned that we are ‘only months away’ from the first nostalgic list shows looking at the period that ended barely half a year ago hitting our screens.

The hosts of themed fancy dress parties could be unwittingly discriminating against less creative and imaginative people, a recent study has concluded. ‘The pressure to concoct a realistic costume that is also witty and clever in its interpretation is immense’ stated the report.

The ‘Jim Morrison’ deal, a Paris-based weekend break includes drugs, alcohol and sex followed by drowning in a bath. 

Former UN Weapons Inspector Dr Hans Blix says that following a visit to the UK he has found ‘no evidence’ that Britain is harbouring an inquiry into the Iraq War. ‘I have searched the length and breadth of the country,’ said Dr Blix ‘and I cannot find anything resembling an inquiry. I did stumble across a committee room with a few retired civil servants and historians sitting behind a desk, but nothing that might pose a serious threat to the British state.’

Harry Vole, wearing a t-shirt reading ‘Sin? Me? Never!’ has apparently been turning up to public stonings , waiting until Mr Christ starts his ‘let him who is without sin..’ bit, and then flipping a flat stone pebble at the accused before sauntering off whistling.

‘dangerous and completely pointless’

Fast food giant McDonald's has stolen a march on its competitors today by announcing that it is improving 'the burger dining experience' by selling its products upside down. The move, scheduled to begin next week, is designed to eliminate the need for the consumer to flip over their burger halfway through the meal to avoid the disappearance of the bottom half of the bun.

LAS VEGAS, NV—A gambling-addiction study by researchers at UNLV's Gaming Studies Research Center has "gotten way out of hand," sources close to the project reported Monday.

Television technology has been improving for decades, to the point where anyone anywhere in the country has access to hundreds of quality cable channels at the touch of a button. Shouldn't watching the hottest films, with today's hottest stars, be just a click away, too?

ATLANTA—Patrons of Valentine's Tavern were visibly crestfallen Tuesday when their pleasant evening of drinking and conversing with friends was suddenly derailed by the sight of a few people plugging in instruments.

At an event earlier this month, Tennessee gubernatorial candidate Ron Ramsey questioned whether Islam was a religion or a cult, drawing criticism from Muslim leaders.

WASHINGTON—With unemployment at its highest level in decades, the U.S. Department of Labor issued a report Tuesday suggesting the crisis is primarily the result of millions of Americans just completely blowing their job interviews.

With Jimmy Conway and Tommy DeVito A house With a door One, two, three, four Ready to play What's the day? It's Tuesday you dumb fuck

Daily newspaper the Daily Mail has today been thrown into turmoil following the revelation that they have been unwittingly encouraging asylum seekers to come to Britain. A survey commissioned by the paper had sought to prove what their readers already knew, that asylum seekers were heading to the UK as it was a soft touch, but actually discovered that the main motivation for most migrants was their love for the Daily Mail. One respondent told the survey the harrowing tale of her escape from genocide in Rwanda. ‘One night gunmen came to our village’ she said. ‘They murdered my husband and children, and I fled for my life, but I knew that there was light at the end of the tunnel, as if I could get to England I would soon be reading Richard Littlejohn’s wonderful column every day, not to mention their excellent Femail section’.

A Norfolk man has been banned from hairdressers in the county after he walked into his local barber's and requested 'just a trim please'.

Relatives were today comforting a 56-year-old Bacup woman after her bungalow’s lounge was downgraded in status to living-room by the Royal Drawing-Rooms and Lounges Society.

particle accelerator may ‘create or big black hole that will suck us all in or mess up our DNA or something’.

ANDY Murray has announced that he will no longer be using a racket during tennis matches.